When Shirl passed away last week it wasn’t shocking. She had been sick for some time and it had become obvious that the end was near. But it was still jarring. Losing a loved one always is, even if it’s expected. One of the ways that I found to cope with the loss this past week was by talking to many family members about her. We remembered the good times, reminisced, and talked about how much she had meant to us.
After my grandmother contracted dementia, Shirl filled in almost seamlessly as our family’s leader and matriarch. She planned and coordinated all of our family gatherings, regardless of whose house we were meeting at. If everyone brought a covered dish, she brought 9 or 10.
She was our family’s communication center. If you wanted to know what was going on with someone, you could just call Shirl instead of calling that person, because she always knew what was going on with everyone in the family.
Shirl always had a cheerful demeanor. So much so that we would refer to her as the cheerleader of our family. She could find the silver lining in any situation and always seemed to find a way to uplift those around her.
But what came across the most as I talked to people was how much Shirl enjoyed doing things for others. She was a sounding board for those who knew her, and so many came to depend on her for guidance and advice. From the time Shirl was teenager she took on the role of second mother to her younger siblings and continued in that capacity with her nieces and nephews.
Over the years she drove siblings to job interviews, took her in-laws to doctor’s appointments, and always seemed willing to give up her most precious commodity – her time. She planned her sister’s wedding and organized her bridal shower. If you asked for her help, she would give it. If you didn’t ask, she would volunteer.
Years ago, she coached one of her nieces in the Ms Englewood pageant. She spent hours practicing with her, coaching her, and even lent her one of her own dresses for the pageant. She guided another niece through the purchase of her first house, and offered sound advice on everything from relationships to finances.
She also helped my wife and I purchase our first house, and since it was For Sale By Owner, there were no real estate agents involved. Shirl guided us through every step of the process – even coming with us to the closing to make sure no one took advantage of us.
Once I had a financial emergency. I didn’t tell her about it, but when she found out she sent me a check in the mail. A few weeks later when things straightened out, I sent her a check to repay her, and she returned it with a note that simply said, “It was a gift, not a loan.”
When I was looking for job many years ago, Shirl sent my resume out to her vast network of local business contacts, and even got me a few interviews.
When her brother was sick in 1990, Shirl was there every step of the way. Not only caring for him, but supporting her mother who was losing a son. She continued in this roll when her sister and father were both sick at the same time in 2000. She spent all day, every day, for months chauffeuring her mother back and forth between the two hospitals and continued to do so until both had passed away.
When her mother starting declining from the effects of dementia, Shirl immediately stepped in to take care of her. Almost totally on her own Shirl did the hard work, the dirty work and the thankless work that comes with caring for a person suffering from Alzheimer’s. Many times I heard her say that taking care of her mother in her final years was what she was put on earth to do. She truly believed that. Because Shirl always looked so young, it was easy to forget that she was a 70 year old woman effectively doing the work of a team of full-time private duty nurses.
Shirl was with her every step of the way until the bitter end. That’s Shirl’s legacy. Not just caring for her mother, but taking care of all of those who were in need.
My house is full of reminders of Shirl. From the pictures on the wall that she gave me to the Holy Family statues she gave my wife, to the numerous shirts I still wear that she gave as Christmas gifts over the years. They’ve lasted a long time. She bought REALLY GOOD clothing.
Shirl regularly sent cards to the children in the family. Not just on Christmas and birthdays, but also on Easter and Valentines Day and Halloween. I would find three cards from her in the mailbox and I’d have to stop to think about what holiday was coming up.
Shirl often gave me career advice, and she had this one saying that I’ll always remember. She would ask me, “What is it that I always tell you? You have to make people feel special.” I suspect that others here have heard that saying also. That was good career advice plus it was good advice for everyday life. Shirl made people feel special not by hollow and meaningless words, but by her actions that clearly showed her love. Shirl WAS special. She was loving and she was loved. And I will miss her greatly.
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